my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
