i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I want a musical about memes.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
