Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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