Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
