I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize