if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Randomize
