Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
