I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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