He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
