Will you blow on my dice?
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
