maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Randomize
