I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
