Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
