YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
