I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
When did angry sex become our thing?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize