if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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