I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Randomize
