sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
