She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
He better not be in your backpack
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
