I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
