my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
