my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
a search helicopter?!
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
