i wish there were pregnant emoticons
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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