Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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