So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Randomize
