I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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