So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
