My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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