Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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