i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Randomize
