Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Hello my rib-scented angel!
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
