VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
