She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
3pm strippers are depressing
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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