So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
