i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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