how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
