oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
