I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
