Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Randomize
