There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
