Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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