So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
As shirtless as possible
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Randomize
