I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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