No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Randomize
