Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
