Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
