drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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