You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
