Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
