I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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