I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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