I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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