____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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