It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
