My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
