Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Randomize
