i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
