He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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