If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
