so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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