Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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