for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I just gargled with NyQuil
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
