I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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