Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize